Resolutions

It's five days in to 2009 and I'm reflecting on new beginnings, new chances, and lessons yet to be learned. I found out on one of the last days of 2008 that my 87 year-old Grandfather ("Morfar" to everyone my age who knows him) suffered a massive stroke. This is the second stroke he's had since the summer, prior to which he had no significant health problems and was, as far as I could tell, strong and vital as a man half his age. The last time I saw him, he tried to arm-wrestle me. Probably the only noticeable indication that he was an old man was the way he drove a car, with very little cognizance of the flow of traffic or rules of the road. But other than that, he was about as sharp and healthy as anyone could ever hope to be at his age. He was quite intimidating; I spent most of my childhood being slightly terrified of him. Needless to say, it's incredibly hard for me to imagine him now, unable to speak or feed himself, let alone walk on his own. Even though he was generally a very dire and serious person, particularly around his family, he always had this little skip in his stride and could do the Russian Bear Dance well into his 70's. I've shed a few tears about it, but it all seems so unreal that it's impossible to appreciate the full weight of what's going on.

So it's a strange way to start a new year, being vaguely aware of a life ending as mine feels like it's only just finally gotten started. Right now the sunset is blazing through the window of my downtown apartment, and I just plugged in the Christmas tree. It's warm and wonderful in here, and in spite of the small, tugging hint of sadness that persists,  I feel good. I feel secure with myself and my ability to get things done. I cleaned the whole house and burned sage, driving spiritual cobwebs out of corners and closets, blessing every wall and doorway. Tomorrow I'll start my second Trimester at AAAOM with a clean house and a clean slate. 

I would like this to be the year that I finally make progress on a few self-improvement projects that I've been struggling with since adolescence. I'm pleased with my efforts at school and my devotion to study, but I really do need to put pressure on myself to move forward in these other areas. 

1) This will be the year that I finally become fully comfortable driving myself around. At this point, it's only fear that keeps me from venturing out in an automobile in the city. I don't think I'll ever love driving, but I can do it and I should be more willing to do it.

2) This will be the year that I adhere to a workout routine. Last year I made huge steps forward and worked out more than I ever have in the past, but I didn't consistently challenge myself. If I want to get stronger or increase my endurance (or wear shorts without feeling jiggly), I have to be willing to make more of an effort. 

3) This will be the year that I learn to play an instrument well enough to play along with other members of a band. I'm getting there, but I have to keep pushing myself through those frustrating plateaus where I don't feel like I'm getting any better. 

Aside from these three goals, my only other resolution is to stay positive and not surrender myself to frustration or irritation. School is going to be challenging this year as I work hard to keep up the pace necessary to finish in under 4 years. I have to keep my eye on the prize at all times and be optimistic! 

Smaller resolutions:

1) Learn to read Tarot cards

2) Improve my posture

3) Learn to make a website with Dreamweaver

4) Send more letters

That's all for now! I'm off to scrounge up some dinner.