The Wacky World of Wedding Planning

I wish I could tell you that I am using my wedding as an opportunity to express my newfound passion for wabi-sabi ideals and my desire to "transcend to simplicity," but I have fallen -- wholly, completely -- into the frilly morass of frivolity created by the wedding industry. At any given time, I am daydreaming about table linens, place settings, lighting, flowers... and all kinds of other things it wouldn't even occur to me to think about under normal circumstances. I'm convinced that all of the eye-catching tableaus on wedding websites are doing for my wedding the same thing fashion magazines do to my body image -- they ultimately convince me that what I thought was good enough is, in fact, not, and that it is perfectly acceptable to lust after things I can't afford and don't need. Try as I might to be rational about things, I just can't seem to get past this idea that things should be "perfect."

Starring me.

Now, maybe I should take a moment to define my concept of "perfect." Perfect is not the slick, mass-produced wedding of "Brides" magazine. Perfect is a wedding in which every detail truly represents Travis and I as a couple. I want our guests to have a sense that they have entered our world for an afternoon. I want everything to be unique to us, to have some sort of special meaning.

Beauty is in the (expensive) details. Six napkins for $36! That's only $9K for all the wedding guests! Worth it.

This goal, however, is neither cheap nor easy. Suddenly a napkin ring is not just a napkin ring. It is an opportunity for self-expression that must not be overlooked! No basic circle of paper or plastic will do. So I search online for pictures of napkin rings to get inspired, and inevitably find something that (a) is irrationally expensive, or (b) would take countless hours of labor to make. The intellectual part of my brain recognizes that napkin rings are yet another relatively pointless detail in a myriad of pointless details on what is essentially just one day out of my life, but I have now seen the cute napkin rings and will not be satisfied unless I find a way to have what I want.

This is just an example. I haven't actually fretted about napkin rings - yet. But this is the basic outline of the scenario that has repeated itself several times over the past few months. I find that this line of thinking is not bringing me any closer to having the wedding of my dreams; it is in fact steering me down a dark and expensive path that is starkly opposed to how Travis and I live our lives. And yet, it is so hard to turn back now.

A breath of fresh air: handmade wildflower bouquet

In her amazing blog called the 2,000 Dollar Wedding, the bride/blogger stresses the importance of outlining the primary goals of the wedding and returning to these goals frequently in order to stay grounded and be reminded of what is important versus what is not. Napkin rings, linens, etc. etc. will not define the day. Here's a great quote from an entry she recently posted:

"I do think ... that the Wedding Industrial Complex is a dangerous cultural entity that has the power to distract us from the significance and importance of planning a major life event. In my mind, it's a zero-sum game: The more time we spend thinking about the calligraphy and the custom monogram and the metallic color palette, the less time we have to think about how to strengthen our partnerships, to reflect on the enormity of the commitment we are about to make, and to maintain all the aspects of our lives that are totally unrelated to our weddings."

So I'm making a vow to you readers. I will focus my energy into the following areas. And if I find that something I'm stressing out about does not fit, I will stop stressing. Period.

The Pagan tradition of "handfasting" represents being bound together in the eyes of the community

1. The wedding ceremony is about uniting in front of the community we have created and asking the people we love to recognize and support our decision to start our lives together.

2. While the ceremony will primarily be about us, the reception is our opportunity to show our appreciation to our friends and family. We want everyone to feel loved and included, and that their presence specifically is important to us.

3. The details should reflect the things that are important to us: sustainability, ingenuity, the beauty of nature, and the importance of stories, music, and imagination.

We'll see how all this pans out!