One day at a time...

Suffering is caused by desire. I know in my heart that this is true, and yet, so much of my mental energy is devoted to pining after the things I want. I want to escape the city, to live in contact with nature, to grow things and connect to the earth. Of course, this is different than longing for money and material things, but the effect is the same: I am in a constant state of dissatisfaction with my every-day life. The reality of the situation is that, like it or not, I will have to live in or near Minneapolis until I finish grad school. Until recently I’d resigned myself to the fact that I would have to just suffer through these next few years, to stumble through them in a state of bleary-eyed longing, jealous of anyone who is already living the life I’m wishing for. But I’ve come to my senses and now I’m determined to make the best of this time, to remember that it is often the journey, not the destination, the defines your life. I’ve already struggled so hard to get this far. Why shouldn’t I enjoy it?

I’ve been reading up on the concept of Urban Homesteading: the idea that it is possible to live semi-sustainably in the city. What I’ve read so far has helped me realize that there are changes I can make today that will reduce my negative impact on the earth, and it’s no use waiting until I finally get my acreage in the country to do things the right way. I’ve been talking to my boyfriend about finding a cute place in a more residential area where we can have a garden and maybe even some chickens. In the meantime, I’m making the most of these long summer days in the city. My new bike is finished and I’m taking advantage of Minneapolis’ nationally-renowned commuter paths and greenways whenever possible. I’m going out to shows and parties, barbecues and bars, visiting bookstores and herbal pharmacies and enjoying the company of so many people I’m truly lucky to know.

I read somewhere that the trick to achieving enlightenment is understanding that you’re already living in Nirvana, and it’s the barriers we’ve built around ourselves that keep us from perceiving it. The problem with most people is that they keep blindly climbing mountains when they have only to look around them and see they have already reached the summit. I’m reminded again of one of my favorite allegorical drawings (and the next tattoo I want to get). A white stag stands shackled, gazing wistfully at the stars, unaware that his chains are not connected to anything and he could in fact leap away at any time. It is his perceptions that keep him bound to the spot, unable to reach potential happiness. Like the stag (a symbol of purity and spiritual impeccability), we are born free, but as we grow and learn, our shackle gets heavier, our chain gets longer, and eventually we find ourselves connected to a heavy (albeit imaginary) burden that we must drag with us everywhere. I’m feeling this burden lately, the burden of ideals that keeps me from realizing I am already happy, that my life is already perfect.

I’m fighting hard with myself to keep that in mind every day this summer.

Caliente!

It got up to 83 degrees today! Not bad for an April day in Minneapolis. "Hot town, summer in the city..."

Okayokay, so it's Friday on my short "spring break" from school between trimesters. I've been having some fun working on little projects and hunting for a frame that will be the starting point for my perfect new bike. Today, at a little used bike shop in Uptown known as Sunrise Cyclery (difficult to spell), I found the frame of my dreams: a 1981 Schwinn Caliente! Awesome monicker aside, I found out that the Caliente is a rather desireable semi-vintage Schwinn 10-speed. Though she's a bit heavier than her modern counterparts, I've read that Calientes are comfortable, well-balanced road bikes and are much sought-after for restoration projects. Perfect! I already have aquired a pair of cruiser-style handlebars and have begun the search for other parts.

The stunning Electra Amsterdam is my inspiration. If I can build a decent facsimile for less than $300, I will be delighted. I also found a picture of a fully-restored, cruiser-influenced Caliente that I found on a bike forum -- pretty much exactly what I'm going for.


My Caliente is a bit older and has the very classic S-shaped top tube that more closely resembles my beloved Amsterdam.

So that's one project. My second major undertaking has involved finishing my wide array of half-completed crochet projects. I'll try to post more about that soon!

Resolutions

It's five days in to 2009 and I'm reflecting on new beginnings, new chances, and lessons yet to be learned. I found out on one of the last days of 2008 that my 87 year-old Grandfather ("Morfar" to everyone my age who knows him) suffered a massive stroke. This is the second stroke he's had since the summer, prior to which he had no significant health problems and was, as far as I could tell, strong and vital as a man half his age. The last time I saw him, he tried to arm-wrestle me. Probably the only noticeable indication that he was an old man was the way he drove a car, with very little cognizance of the flow of traffic or rules of the road. But other than that, he was about as sharp and healthy as anyone could ever hope to be at his age. He was quite intimidating; I spent most of my childhood being slightly terrified of him. Needless to say, it's incredibly hard for me to imagine him now, unable to speak or feed himself, let alone walk on his own. Even though he was generally a very dire and serious person, particularly around his family, he always had this little skip in his stride and could do the Russian Bear Dance well into his 70's. I've shed a few tears about it, but it all seems so unreal that it's impossible to appreciate the full weight of what's going on.

So it's a strange way to start a new year, being vaguely aware of a life ending as mine feels like it's only just finally gotten started. Right now the sunset is blazing through the window of my downtown apartment, and I just plugged in the Christmas tree. It's warm and wonderful in here, and in spite of the small, tugging hint of sadness that persists,  I feel good. I feel secure with myself and my ability to get things done. I cleaned the whole house and burned sage, driving spiritual cobwebs out of corners and closets, blessing every wall and doorway. Tomorrow I'll start my second Trimester at AAAOM with a clean house and a clean slate. 

I would like this to be the year that I finally make progress on a few self-improvement projects that I've been struggling with since adolescence. I'm pleased with my efforts at school and my devotion to study, but I really do need to put pressure on myself to move forward in these other areas. 

1) This will be the year that I finally become fully comfortable driving myself around. At this point, it's only fear that keeps me from venturing out in an automobile in the city. I don't think I'll ever love driving, but I can do it and I should be more willing to do it.

2) This will be the year that I adhere to a workout routine. Last year I made huge steps forward and worked out more than I ever have in the past, but I didn't consistently challenge myself. If I want to get stronger or increase my endurance (or wear shorts without feeling jiggly), I have to be willing to make more of an effort. 

3) This will be the year that I learn to play an instrument well enough to play along with other members of a band. I'm getting there, but I have to keep pushing myself through those frustrating plateaus where I don't feel like I'm getting any better. 

Aside from these three goals, my only other resolution is to stay positive and not surrender myself to frustration or irritation. School is going to be challenging this year as I work hard to keep up the pace necessary to finish in under 4 years. I have to keep my eye on the prize at all times and be optimistic! 

Smaller resolutions:

1) Learn to read Tarot cards

2) Improve my posture

3) Learn to make a website with Dreamweaver

4) Send more letters

That's all for now! I'm off to scrounge up some dinner.