Suffering is caused by desire. I know in my heart that this is true, and yet, so much of my mental energy is devoted to pining after the things I want. I want to escape the city, to live in contact with nature, to grow things and connect to the earth. Of course, this is different than longing for money and material things, but the effect is the same: I am in a constant state of dissatisfaction with my every-day life. The reality of the situation is that, like it or not, I will have to live in or near Minneapolis until I finish grad school. Until recently I’d resigned myself to the fact that I would have to just suffer through these next few years, to stumble through them in a state of bleary-eyed longing, jealous of anyone who is already living the life I’m wishing for. But I’ve come to my senses and now I’m determined to make the best of this time, to remember that it is often the journey, not the destination, the defines your life. I’ve already struggled so hard to get this far. Why shouldn’t I enjoy it?
I’ve been reading up on the concept of Urban Homesteading: the idea that it is possible to live semi-sustainably in the city. What I’ve read so far has helped me realize that there are changes I can make today that will reduce my negative impact on the earth, and it’s no use waiting until I finally get my acreage in the country to do things the right way. I’ve been talking to my boyfriend about finding a cute place in a more residential area where we can have a garden and maybe even some chickens. In the meantime, I’m making the most of these long summer days in the city. My new bike is finished and I’m taking advantage of Minneapolis’ nationally-renowned commuter paths and greenways whenever possible. I’m going out to shows and parties, barbecues and bars, visiting bookstores and herbal pharmacies and enjoying the company of so many people I’m truly lucky to know.
I read somewhere that the trick to achieving enlightenment is understanding that you’re already living in Nirvana, and it’s the barriers we’ve built around ourselves that keep us from perceiving it. The problem with most people is that they keep blindly climbing mountains when they have only to look around them and see they have already reached the summit. I’m reminded again of one of my favorite allegorical drawings (and the next tattoo I want to get). A white stag stands shackled, gazing wistfully at the stars, unaware that his chains are not connected to anything and he could in fact leap away at any time. It is his perceptions that keep him bound to the spot, unable to reach potential happiness. Like the stag (a symbol of purity and spiritual impeccability), we are born free, but as we grow and learn, our shackle gets heavier, our chain gets longer, and eventually we find ourselves connected to a heavy (albeit imaginary) burden that we must drag with us everywhere. I’m feeling this burden lately, the burden of ideals that keeps me from realizing I am already happy, that my life is already perfect.
I’m fighting hard with myself to keep that in mind every day this summer.
